Lost inside my fears
by Shaherezada
Summary: Story starts when Dylan left BH in season 6 and ends after a year after final episode.
1. Chapter 1

Special thanks to Alexis(KellylovesDylan) for her help and support

Special thanks to Alexis(KellylovesDylan) for her help and support.

**Part one. "Brenda"**_****_

Worse than a hangover.

London.  
Early morning, small pub in Dockland, Dylan is sitting at the table near the window. He look miserable and tired, he is drinking coffee and feels envy for the dead fish which was served to a gentl(e)man at the table in the corner. Dylan would prefer to be as much dead as that fish rather having breakfast with Brenda. Brenda is drinking morning beer instead of a morning coffee (it is her new British habit to fit in here) and using her false British accent asking Dylan to lend her some money to buy a pack of cigarettes. She is such a good actress that for the last 6 month she is waiting for the perfect role and will not accept small parts in any play; that is why she is out of money.  
He opens his wallet and put couple of banknotes on the table, he make a wish that there will be no cigarettes in the nearest shop so he can have some time on his own, just to sit and to think in peace and quite. Brenda took the money and give him a little cheek kiss before she run away. Dylan felt so sorry about himself, that he ignored the sad look of a gentlemen, who shook his head while he was watching them two together.  
What a hell am I doing here?-Dylan thought.- How did I get here? What happened to me? What happened to Brenda? What happened to us? To us? – he stopped himself in the middle.- There is no us since high school. Looking back through the years I hardly see "us" ever. There is only Brenda and everything about her. She was beautiful, oh yes she was. I just could not walk out on her in high school. I thought that she is different from other girls in Beverly Hills, because she had a perfect family. I thought her soul should be as beautiful as her face and her body. I was wrong. It took too much time for me to realize that, but I was young and naïve, I so desperately wanted to have a family that I was blind. But what brings me back to her now? Why am I here? Because I am an egoist. I feel guilty, because I am happy to be alive, because I am in need to live a full normal life, but a woman whom I really loved is dead, my wife is dead because of me. So I ran from Beverly Hills, to a woman who will take me even if I do not love her, just because I am Dylan McKay and I am the bastard who is using her even if she is my best friend's sister.

Brenda returned and started to smoke.  
-Hey stranger, did you missed me?  
- Brenda? Why did you buy these cigarettes? They smell like a dead cat. I thought I gave you enough money to buy something that will kill you without such a horrible smell.  
- McKay you are so boring. Everybody from theatres elite smoke these. You should go with me next time to a party so you can see how people live here.  
-No thanks. I prefer to spend my time for my own pleasures; I am not a clown for your new friends.  
Brenda ordered another glass of beer and looked at the young men in front of her. Sometimes she hated him with all her soul, but he was so hot that every girl in London wanted him and she was so proud of herself that she was the one who lives with him. Of course she knew that she is not the one who wakes up near him, he had cheated on her many times, but he always returns to her….at least she was sure that he always returns and will return to her.  
So what do I have here? Stubborn, boring, loner but he is rich, he is good lover, he is hot and he is in love with me. I just need some patience because he is in one of his moods this morning. It will soon pass and we will live our life as we did before.  
- As you wish, honey. I was just checking.  
- As usual, Bren.  
Dylan made himself smile to the lady in front of him.  
Damn this morning is worse than a hangover.

_**It is better to be alone…for you….for me…for everyone **_  
London.  
2.30 A.M. Apartment. Balcony with a view on a Hide Park.  
Dylan stood at the balcony with a bottle of Jamaica rum in his hand. He has already drunk more than half of it, but he was not even close to being as dunk as he wished to be. He stood there, and watched the sleeping city feeling nothing but emptiness. There is something wrong. He thought. Ok everything is wrong. Why can't I feel anything? Something? With Brenda? With anyone? It seems that I am already dead inside. I have been dead since the moment when Antonia left me. I move, I drink, I eat, I speak, I am having sex with a woman, but still I feel NOTHING! And it scares me. I thought that if I returned to Brenda her love will heal me. She was my first love…no, Dylan stop lying to yourself, she was not your first love, she was your first long term relationship with addiction. And you thought that if you once were addicted to her, than she could wake up your passion to…to…passion to what? Passion to live a full life? Hey, I've never lost it. My passion to women? Well I guess I never lost it too. So why am I here? I am here because I love Europe, I love London. But why am I here with her? Why am I hurting her? Because I am afraid to live my life, I am afraid to move on. I am afraid that if I feel something with anyone again it will hurts, because every time I fall in love I lose them .I've lost my father, I lost Kelly to Brandon, I lost Antonia to stupid revenge. But it is my problem, why should Bren suffer just because I am such a loser? She is the only one alive who loves me and i am acting like a selfish jerk….no I cannot do it anymore. I should leave as soon as possible, it will be better for her…for me…for everyone. Dylan left the rum bottle at the balcony and went to the living room. He knew that Brenda would not let him to return to bed, she hated when he leaves the bedroom just after sex (he could not call what they did as "making love" ,actually he never even tried to do it). So he got his sleep on the sofa, wondering where he will go next.

They were having breakfast in silence.  
Brenda was not angry, not even as sad as Dylan thought she should be. She was furious. When he apologized to her for everything he had done and said that she will find someone much better than he is. Someone who will love her and take a good care of her, Brenda started to scream at him. She was yelling about Kelly, about Stacy and Emily (Dylan hardly remembered who Emily was, but who is Stacy? and why Brenda is so mad because of her. He still could not understand or remember),then suddenly she became quite.  
- Damn you McKay. You will return, as usual, but I am not sure that I will be available next time.  
Damn you McKay. You know, I cannot leave London right now so I cannot ask you to take me with you on the trip. And all that bull about you do not love me as much as I deserve, that it will be better for me if you leave…you are so funny. I know that you will return as usual, but next time it won't be so easy to get me.-Brenda tried not to smile. She decided to be quiet and to not fight with Dylan. She was pretty sure that his trip is just a hunger for adventure, one of his moods, and it will soon pass as usual and he will return, because as she thought there is no one better for him than she is, and that is why he is a little afraid and acts like this.  
- You want some hard things in your life? You'll get them, I promise. Thank God you believed me when I lied about Kelly and Brandon are still together, and even took a flight to Hong Kong to meet our parents, so you won't go back to Beverly, you are too proud and to scared to do it. So go you "love machine" get some new adventures and come back home. I love the moments when you feel guilty after your little affairs. Next time I will use it for my purpose. I love how it sounds Mrs. Brenda McKay.  
-Have a good life Bren. I hope one day you could forgive me.  
Dylan took his bags and went out of the apartment. He did not look back. He was going to find extremes in his life; he wanted to take a challenge. There were two opportunities in his future. First: he will find a way how to get his life and his feelings back. Second: he will find his death. Both of them were good enough for him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part two. Europe.**

_**Roxanne.**_

Amsterdam.

It was almost evening. The sun prepared to go down and colored the sky over and old town to the orange color. Dylan MacKay was sitting in the street café drinking sweet black tee. He was already high, or may be he was still high. It is hard to say. It is been more than a year since he left Brenda in London. He did not change the number of his cell phone, so he heard the latest news. His sister run away from his mother and became a prostitute in LA. Brendon and Kelly found her and send her to London. They thought that he still live there. Why did Brenda did not tell the truth to them? Because of Kelly? That is funny. They still have some kind of competition. From one side it was pleasant for his ego, but from another he still remember how did Kelly said that she chooses herself when he offered her a trip around the world and then after he left she ran right to the Brandon's arms. Woman. His thoughts turns back to his sister. How could he help her if can't help even himself. He did not want Erica to see whom he became. He was ashamed of himself, he thought that he doesn't deserve a normal life because he is kind of freak, just a rich worthless jerk.

He saw how a certain women in the streets prepare to start their "work". One of them looked as she doesn't belong here. There was something about her, may be it was her look or may be something else. Paradox was in that, that at that moment when Dylan saw a girl in a café someone turns the radio on and there was a Sting's song "Roxanne". He was still thinking about Erica when he realized this paradox. So he decided to meet that girl. Dylan walked down the street and stopped near her.

-How much?

The girls looked a little confuse and surprised. It seemed that she doesn't know what to answer.

A hundred euro per hour- she finally answered.

Fine. We've got a deal, let us drive to my palace. What is your name?

Claudia.

I am Dylan.

Early in the morning Claudia was watching her "lover" while he was asleep. The young men was beautiful. He had a strong, упругое body. She wished she met him in a different circumstances. He was her first client ever. She thought she was lucky, cause he told her to not worry about the money and it was pleasure for her to spend the night and the time with him. He was not just handsome, he was clever and intelligent. But Claudia knew that he was on drugs and it seemed that he was an alcoholic too. She could not understand why is he doing all this to himself. He let her know that he had enough money and he does not know what to do with it and what to do with his life either. Claudia decided that he was lost inside his own world. She did not realize that she start to speak her thoughts loud.

Why, what? – Dylan murmured.

Sorry.- Claudia replayed.

Don't be. But still what are you wondering about?

Well, I just could not understand why are you doing all this to yourself. I mean drugs, alcohol…me. You are young, handsome, clever, strong and rich. You can have any girl as your girlfriend. You can do what ever you want, you can study wherever you choose. Why are you here?

Dylan looked at her. How can he answer to all her questions if he couldn't answer to them to himself. He did not think that he is clever. He did not want to have a girlfriend, he thought that he do not have a right for it after Tony's death. He knew that he is attractive for a woman and that he is rich but it doesn't helped him in his life it is always made things just more complicated.

-It is a long and boring story. Anyway it is my choice and my life I can do whatever I want as you said. And what about you? Why you are here? Why are you doing it?

Claudia did not want to answer this question. She saw him the first and the last time in her life but his answer make her angry that is why she replayed:

I am a student, it is my last year in college but the government closed the budget program and I need money to pay for my education.

How much?

What?

How much do you need o pay for college?

9 thousand euro.

Dylan stood up and walked to a table. He took his check book and wrote a check on

10,500 thousands.

- Here. And do not do this anymore.

Claudia looked at the check and couldn't believe her own eyes.

I can't take it.

Yes you can. I insist. And I need a guide for the next few days and may be a girlfriend for a week end.

Dylan you are not that bad as you pretend. – She answered. She could not understand his actions us usual but she could not make herself to reject his offer. To spend a week end with a great guy and do not worry about her education that was the conclusion of all her troubles.

The week end was over. Dylan felt nothing as usual. Claudia was a nice and funny girl. But still he felt as a character in the movie who speaks his lines and make his moves because he is able to do it. Not because he want it. He drove Claudia to her home and wished her all the best in her future life.

Thank you – she said. – And you know what, Dylan, fight your fears. Take a challenge and fight for your life. Find a new dream. You can make so much good in your life for yourself and for the others. Don't miss your chance to be happy, you're a good person. You worth it.

Thank you may be I will.

Dylan smiled at her. He thought that Claudia was to naïve and to grateful to understand that he does not want to live anymore. So he drive to an airport, he was planning to climb a mountain to get some adrenaline.

_**The exit from all your troubles is at the same place as an entrance…**_

Hospital.

Dylan laid on the bed in реанимация. He woke up not so long ago and he was surprised that he is still alive. But more than that he was surprised he is happy to be alive. Doctor said that other two alpinist from the expedition died and he is lucky to be alive. At that moment Dylan realize that he was a full, that he do not want to die. He watched back threw the last years of his life to figure out how did he get himself it to all this. He realized that tony would not be proud of him, she would like him to be happy and to move one instead of ruing his life. Finally Dylan started to feel the taste of life again. He go back deep in his past again and he knew that there is one woman who can give him a sense of life again. It was Kelly Taylor. So he decided that after rehabilitation he will go back home a place where he belong and he will fight to get her back whatever it takes.


	3. Chapter 3

Part three

**Part three. Kelly.**

_**I guess i need a flashback to move on.**_

Hawaii.

Dylan watched the sunset on his mothers house mezzanine. He went here after he visited Kelly and Brandon wedding. He was not in a very good mood, he thought he lose the fight even before it started. He cameto Beverly Hills for his friends wedding, but he could not make him self to enter Casa Walsh. So he stood there and watched Kelly, then he turned around and drive to airport to take a flight to Hawaii. He felt like he was lost again. It took to much time for him to spend in hospital before he can got back to LA. And when he finally could do it, he received an invitation to a wedding. "It is not fair" he thought.

He heard the phone rang and his mother talked to someone for a short time and lied that she doesn't know where he is.

Who was it? – he asked after she hanged the phone

Brenda. She was wandering do I know where you can be, cause you changed you cell phone number and she could not find you.

If I wanted her to find me I would gave her my new number.

She said that they did not get married.

What?

She said that Brandon and Kelly did not get married, she thought that may be you are somehow connected with their decision.

I wish I would.- he said with a sarcasm

So what know?

Dylan looked at his mother instead of answering her question and that turned back to the ocean.

Dylan, I will not teach you how to live your life. It is your right to make choices in it, but son be careful what you wish for, cause you might have get it all.

That is what I need. I want it all…..back.

Iris looked at her son and shook her head. She knew that he is lost in his life, that somehow he did not believe in himself and do not believe that he could be loved and someone can need him by the side. He was lost inside his fears and that is why he was so addicted to the past. It seemed that Dylan decided to delete the last years of his life and start from that moment which was before the black line crossed his life.

-Dylan, you know that things will never be the same.

- Yes I know, that is why I need a flashback to work out my mistakes and to have all the things i had in a new, better way.

- I hope you know what you are doing.

_**Dreams can come true.**_

Beverly Hilton Hotel.

Dylan stood near the table and watched Kelly dancing with David. It was Donnas' and David's wedding. This was also the evening of his and Kelly's reunion. After almost two years of fighting and a lot of other things including the relationships with other partners they finally got together. Dylan find strange that he did not feel as exited as he thought he will, but then he thought that it is ok because it is a Donnas' and David's day and he will get a lot of moments to be exited in future. Dylan saw Val who was coming to him.

Hey, bad boy – she smiled – Wanna dance?

Why not rebel girl. – He smiled back to her.

They danced and then suddenly Val made a step back from him.

-What is wrong?- he asked

- I do not want to loose that peace which I made with Kelly before I leave. And when she saw us dancing she made that "I will kill you Val" look.

Dylan started to laugh.

-Dylan you are crazy you know it?!

-Why?

- Well… look I am sorry if I will be rude and if my words will hurt you but you know MacKay I am not sure that you did truly loved someone…ever, may be except your wife and now you get yourself into connection which failed for numerous times in the past. Yes, Kelly- beautiful, smart, blah, blah, blah. Everybody loves her. Well, maybe not everybody. It's funny when you think about everything that she has. You know, I think that Brandon's always loved her even before they started going out.Sorry that I brought him back, my point is she yawns and happens to flash some teeth and guys thinks she's smiling and just kind of fall to her feet. She's said a lot of things that destroyed me but nobody calls her a pregnant dog. I guess she's being constructive in her criticsm. People say I hate her. I don't, but she bugs me and I am worried about you, believe it or not you are my friend and I care for you.

Dylan laughed once again.

You will never change Val. But you know some things also never change as me and Kelly, so I guess it is time for everyone including us to admit it and finally to work the things out. So me and Kelly are back together for good.

After his answer they dance in silence for I while. But one thing bothered Dylan. Val's line "I am not sure that you did truly loved someone…ever" reminded him about another girl in his life. Gina. He remembered how she yelled on him in her hotel room when he was trying to get her back after they broke up for the second and the last time. Gina said almost the same words. At that moment in past he did not feel anything except he felt helpless to convince her that he really did care for her, but now…now he suddenly felt hurt, but not from the Val's words. He felt hurt from the memories, he felt hurt from Gina's words. If Gina was here tonight, he would came to her and said that it is not true, that he was in love with…Dylan stopped him self. He was in love with Kelly, they finally get together and there is no place for other memories and story lines in his life anymore. And he convinced himself that he did not missed Gina, he just not get used to the fact that she is not around as usual, anymore.

The song was over and before leaving Val smiled to him.

I hope you know what you are doing.

Thank you for your care Val. You are really a good friend of mine. But don't worry I'll be fine. – Dylan replayed and gave her a friendly kiss to a cheek.

Dylan walked back to the table where Kelly was already waiting for him.

What were you two talking about? – she asked.

Val gave me some ideas to where I can run with you to hide from the others for a couple of days or may be weeks. – he answered. – Would you mind if we leave now?

Not at all.

_**You can't run from your self there is nowhere to hide…**_  
Peach Pit.

Dylan entered the café and smiled to Nat.

-May I have a really strong coffee?

-Sure, my boy. – Nat answered. – Tough morning?

- Don't ask- Dylan tried to keep smiling.

- Yes, I know. Family life is not a bed of roses. – Nat walked away to get some coffee.

- It is not even a rollercoaster. – Dylan added.

It was almost year and a half past since the moment when he and Kelly got back together. But his life was colored in grey and blue colors more than usual. He had his business in After Dark with David and Nat, he had a lot of work in the Youth centre and Danna's internet page also made a lot of money for him. He was young, rich and absolutely bored guy…again. Well actually he had Kelly in his life. They finally started to live together couple of months ago, but it did not helped. Honestly things were not bad. He had a great girlfriend they had a perfect glamorous relationship but he felt that something is missing in his life, something very important which will made his life complete. And it was not about having fun or fill his life with surprises, he though that it is alright that he could count and foresee Kelly's each "new" idea, her answers and her wishes, he thought it is one of the best parts in their relationship because it was safe and may be it is what people call – mature relationship. They are not kids or teen any more. But why then he feels so bored and so old sometimes? Why does he feel like his heart is missing something? He doesn't had an answers to it. He used to think that it is not a big deal, but during the last time things and feelings were getting worse and this morning was not an exception.

Kelly suggested that they should spend some time together somewhere far enough from Beverly to get some fresh emotions to their relationship. He suggested to make a trip to Las Vegas or to Florida, may be Hawaii (visit his mom) next month, but Kelly insisted that they should go this week-end although she new he could not do it because he promised to Nat to help him with a new charity project for the kids. So he suggested that may be she will agree to wait until next month is he will offer her Paris, but she blamed him for being selfish yelled that she is not one of his cheep ex's and run from beach apartment.

Here you go, strong, black coffee. I hope it will help you to clear your mind.

Thank you Nat.- Dylan replayed.

The door bell rang and Dylan saw Donna entered the place.

Dylan, hey – she smiled to him

Hey there Mrs. Silver

It is so sad that you and Kelly are not coming with us. I know that you had a common past with my sister, so did David but all of us moved over it any way we going to miss you and Kel in New York. But is so nice from you to go with Kelly to help her to find a material for her new project.

What are you talking about Donna? – Dylan asked in surprise.

About this week end. You and Kelly already have plans for it. It is so sad that you are not coming with us.

We are still discussing it. But where we are not going with you and how is your sister is connected to it?

Donna's cell phone rang.

Oh sorry, I'll talk to you later. – and Donna walked to the After Dark.

Dylan looked at Nat in surprise.

What a hell is going on. Do you know something about it.

Nat gave a sad look to Dylan.

You know my boy, this time I will stay out of this. I love you all, all the gang is like my kids, I'll always be here for you if you need me, but this time you should deal with it by yourself.

Dylan watched Nat walked away to bring get an order from a new client and thought that it is to much strange things for him for this morning. Dylan took a morning newspaper and started to drink his coffee. Suddenly the cup with coffee fall down from his fingers.

"SKATING STAR GINA KINCAID FINALLY SAID "YES" TO A NY CENTRAL HOSPITAL SURGERY ERIK DANE" _….the romantic wedding ceremony will be in a Central Park this week end…_

Dylan felt like he is having a heart attack, there was suddenly no air to breath. He felt like someone gave him a hard hit to a stomach, like his heart was is clamped in a vice, and then is passed through a meat grinder.

Nat came to him to make sure that Dylan is alright.

How long you know about this?- Dylan asked

You've made your choice once kid. – Nat answered.

Yes I know, but still….i don't know…it feels like….

What do you feel?

Nat I do not know why but it hearts, it hearts even more than when I've heard about Kelly and Matt engagement, more than when I saw Kelly in wedding dress on her and Brandon's almost wedding. I feel robed, lost and scared. What is happening?

I don't know Dylan, I am not you. The only thing I know for sure that you can't run from yourself, there is nowhere to hide.

What should I do, I really need your advice?

I guess my boy you should ask yourself for the answer this time, but remember if you love somebody send them free.

I can't…. – Dylan suddenly stood up and walked to his car. He needed some time to think.

He drove his car to the beach and watched the ocean. Dylan knew that he knows all the answers, but he was afraid to admit it and also he was afraid that it is too late. When Nat said that if you love somebody you should send them free, he did not asked Nat how did all this connected with love, he answered that he can not do it. Dylan realized that he was in love with Gina, he just could not understand how can he hide this feeling from himself all this time? He was looking back to the past and saw all his mistakes, he saw how he hurt her and knew that he has no rights to ruin Gina's life once again. At the same time Dylan knew that he can not handle with the fact that she is getting married with another man.!! He drove to the beach apartment and started to pack his stuff, he tried to figure out what he will say to Kelly, how will he explain to her what is going on, but at the same time he was really mad on Kelly. Why did she hide the fact about Gina's wedding from him? May be she knew that he loved Gina? Wow! That would be a joke if Kelly figured it out even before he realized it.

Kelly came home late and saw the boxes with Dylan's stuff in the living room and she saw Dylan sitting on the balcony and staring at one point somewhere in horizon.

So, you know. – she said.

Yes. Why did you hide it from me?

I guess because of that. – she looked at the boxes.

And you think that after the wedding I would stay with you?

So you do not deny that you still love her?

It is not the point.

-Oh yes it is – Kelly started to scream. – You do love her, but it does not stopped you from making love with me, It did not prevent you to live with me and to plan on the joint future!!

Wait. I did not plan have plans on the joint future, you did. And you lied to me! You knew my attitudes about lying but still you did it! – Dylan replayed.

You did lied to me to!

No I didn't!

Oh really, you said you love me!

Look. I did thought that I love, I really did! I fight to be with you for two years, I was sure that I do have feelings for you and I still do. I mean I still do have feelings for you it is love, it is love for some special person. But today I realized the truth, I hide it even from my self I am in desperately in love with another woman. I am really sorry, I feel terrible and confused about it. Please Kelly do not make this thing harder.

But you said that we are soulmates, you said that we were together in our past life!

We still are soulmates, we are very special friends for each other. And about the past life I guess I told you before I do not know may be it did happened may be it didn't. Now I know only the thing that we can not live together anymore and I should run to NY and try to catch the moment before it is too late.

This conversation is not suppose to happen. – Kelly started to cry. – We were suppose to be out of LA right now, and you would found out about Gina only after her wedding…

And you think I would stayed with you after that? You think that I can forgive your lie?

Yes, because she would be lost for you forever and you would stayed with me. – She cannot stop herself and cried harder.

Dylan came close to her and gave her a hug.

You worth much more than I guy who would live with you just because it is to late to catch the other girl Kelly. You are very special woman. You know that you worth someone who is better than me. I could forgive a lie to a friend, it is hard but I will try, but I cannot forgive that kind of a lie to a woman with whom I am living. You will be happy Kelly. I promise. And you know I am right.

He kissed her goodbye and started to move out the boxes from the apartment. They haven say a word to each other until he got in the car and gave her a key from apartment.

I am really sorry Kel.

She has noded her head and whispered:

- I guess that I lost you at that day when I choose me and probably you never were mine ever again…

Dylan drove his car to a Beverly Royal hotel. When he entered a room he reserved for himself he find out that it will be hard to get some sleep tonight. The room was full of memories, he even thought than he can smell Gina's perfume. So he took a bottle from a mini bar and started to think what he could say to her to get her back. He put the radio on and there was David on air…

This song is dedicated to a friend who is having a hard time right now, I don't know if you can hear me right now and I cannot say for sure that I know how you feel right now buddie, but I hope it will help you to find your way… you still have a chance, do not lose it….

_  
And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven  
That I'll ever be  
And I don't wanna go home right now  
And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breath is your life  
Cuz sooner or later its over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight_

"Thank you Silver..you're really make this night harder" Dylan thought. He looked around and remembered all that happened in the room. How did Gina got naked just to make him don't go to After Dark when she and Noah had illegal parties there, how did he made a surprise for her with a Gone with the wind movie, how did she used to hug him from the back when he was working near the table…. He went for another bottle and sat with it one the sofa, he remembered also how did he pushed her away when he rented another room for her in the hotel. "Idiot!" Dylan thought about himself….

_I don't want the world to see me  
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am _

He also remembered how did she told him that the difference between them is that she is in love with him. "You were wrong, baby. There was no difference between us, cause I am in love with you too, but I was to scared to admit it and I still do not know how to show it to you, how to prove it.."

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything seems like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive _

Dylan remembered the moment when Gina said that he doesn't care for her and he just answered that it is not true. Now he understand that at that time he lost a moment to show Gina that she was wrong, now he realized that he was scared that she might pushed him away and prefer to run and hide instead of kissed her at that moment. He remember how he lost the battle near the elevator when David interrupt his apologizes to Gina. "Damm you Silver once again" he thought. But he knew that there was nothing to do with his friend, he knew that if he would insisted David would let them to talk, but he didn't._  
_  
_I don't want the world to see me  
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

"I will make you happy, girl. Please give me a chance…." He said to Gina as she was still in the room._  
_


	4. Chapter 4

Part four

Part four

Gina

Ghosts from the past

New York

"Four Seasons" hotel. Afternoon.

There was a group of people in the "Four Seasons" hotel celebration hall and a couple who was standing in front of the judge and prepared to say the words "I do" and became a married couple, to live together a long and a happy life. It was last, general wedding repetition. Young lady looked beautiful and the guy who was standing by her side looked proud and happy.

And when I will make sure that there is no one here, including both of you, who knows the reason why you two can not get married I will announce you as a husband and wife. – said the judge.

Personally I do not know anything or anyone who can be against us, do you agree with me honey? – said the young man.

I guess so – answered the young woman.

I am sure; no one will dare to break the ceremony if it is going to happen, especially if the bride gives us a smile. You are so beautiful when you are smiling, Gina. Did you know that? – said the smooth voice from the back row.

What do you mean, saying If the ceremony is going to happened? – asked the young man turning back and searching for the person who was speaking to his fiancé.

Dylan….- whispered young woman looking straight into strangers eyes.

Dylan stood up from his chair and walked forward to a bride. He caught her eyes and gave her a smile.

You did not answer to me. Did you know that you are so beautiful and that I am helpless when you smile?

What are you doing here; I thought you are not going to come? –

Gina caught her breath. She could not help herself, she felt that her knees became week as always when he is looking at her that way. She felt a relief when Donna said that Dylan is not going to be at the wedding, because she was not ready to see him. Being totally honest to herself, she knew that it seems that she will never be ready to see him ever again. But know he is standing in front of her and hypnotizing her with his eyes, voice, with being so dangerously close to her.

Question to question? – Dylan raised his eyebrow. – How could I miss this event? You know I always wished all the best for you, so how can I not make sure that you are happy, and you've got what you want in your life?

-What is going on here? – the young man exclaimed, but both Gina and Dylan ignored him for a while. They just looked into each other eyes trying to look into each other souls. Gina was first who break the silence. She turned to a young man and said:

- Eric, please meet Dylan MacKay, the old friend of mine from Beverly Hills. He had a very specific, actually black sense of humor, but you will get used to it in a time. – then she turned back to Dylan. – Dylan, this is Eric Dane, my fiancé. We glad you came to share this special moment with us. But now we should finish here, so I see you tomorrow at a party. –

After she finished her speech she take Eric's hand and walked away in a harry, not giving Dylan a chance to say something.

Dylan watched her walking away, trying to figure out was Gina really that busy or she was just running away from him.

Are you crazy? – he heard Donnas' voice near his ear.

No. Jo soy desperado. –

What?

No. Just desperate.

You can't ruin Gina's wedding Dylan, you have no right to do it. And you know it. – she said softly.

Yes I know Donna. But I also can not let her go with out a talk.

Now? You want to talk to her now? In front of Eric and all the others? And what are you going to say to her? I am sorry Gina that I treated you bad in the past, that I've cheated on you and break you down a numerous of times?

No, I just won't to give her my best regards in private, I am not going to hurt her ever again. I love her Donna, and if she wants it I will let her go. Will you help me here?

Me? Help you? Dylan let me remind you that Gina is my cousin and Kelly is my best friend, you must be insane if you asking me for a help.

Donna almost turned to walked away. She gave a last look on Dylan and changed her mind. He looked so lost and broken, she just could not turn her back on him this time.

Too late to apologize

"Four Seasons" hotel. After midnight.

Dylan was sitting in his hotel room and stared at the walls. She did not call back. He took her cell phones number from Donna and called her several times, begging for a meeting or for a talk, Gina said that she calls back later but she didn't. Dylan did not blame her. Actually he realized that he have no right to say to her all he wanted to say, but he also knew that he had to try to explain her what he feels. He also new that he is acting very selfish, Gina deserved to be loved, she deserved to be happy, she deserved to be near a better man than he is, but why does it hurts so bad?

Gina was sitting in her car at the hotel parking. What she was doing here? Tomorrow is her wedding, she is going to live a long, happy and peaceful life with Eric. Eric was so safe, so down to earth, he loved her so much, he cared for her more than anyone ever did, but she is sitting here instead of going to bed and have her beauty sleep before the wedding. And more than that she is thinking about to go upstairs and to talk with Dylan. Gina new that it is a big mistake, everything which is connected with Dylan is a mistake. But she also new, that after he showed up this afternoon she could not come down until she will find out why he is here and what is he going to say. She got out of the car and walked to the elevator. She decided that sooner she will talk with him, sooner he will be just a part of her past. While she took her way upstairs to Dylan's room, her blood start running faster through her venues and Gina became mad at herself and on Dylan. Why is he here? Why he brought back the ghosts and feelings from the past?

Knock, knock. That sound surprised Dylan, he looked on the watch it was 01.20 a.m. He opened the door and before he saw who his visitor was, he got a slap from Gina.

- I hate you!

- Gina?

She entered the room.

- You heard me Dylan? I want you to be out of my life!

- I love you.

- What?

- I love you.

She slapped him again and again and again and then started to cry.

-I hate you!

Dylan caught Gina's hands and pulled her close to him. He started to kiss her eyes, just to make her stop crying.

Slap me, hit me, hate me, do what ever you want, just do not say that you don't care about me. Listen to me Gina, this is all I ask. I know I hurt you ….

No! I've heard it all before. The same old song. But it is not going to work out this time. I am getting married, I want to be happy, why are you doing this to me?

Because I want you to know what I feel, remember you wanted to know it.

Gina pulled away from him and made some steps back.

It is to late Dylan. I don't care about you, I don't need you, I don't love you, I don't miss you.- Gina shook her head.

You are lying.

I learned it from the best.

I never lied to you.

Oh, really? And how about Mexico affair?- Gina said with a sarcasm.

I thought we got over it….

Yes, we go over it, but we…no not we, you … you did not get over Kelly. Like it or not I deserve to be more than just a second best.

Gina….

What?

Gina, I love you!

So they stood in front of each other and each of them was trying to find the right words to speak out all that emotions they had inside.

Gina I love you, I always did, but I was too stubborn and too scared to realize it, to admit it. Remember I said that you are the only one who can handle with me? But I was to scared to admit that it is because you are the one I need, because you are the one who make me want to be a better man, I don't know how to explain it, but I was so lost inside my fears, that I was too blind to see that I love you. I was so afraid of possible pain and lost, that it was easier for me to push you away then to face the reality and stand for you, stand for us.

And I guess this is the explanation for why you always choose her over me.

No, it is not the explanation or excuse, it is just the fact about our past. I broke up with Kelly, I broke up with the past.

Gina felt tired, she sat down on the sofa and take a deep breath before she continued. She wanted to believe him, she was waiting for so long to hear these words from Dylan, but now it was to late.

You know Dylan, you are the most selfish man I ever seen. After so long time you are showing up the day before my wedding to say that you loved me and that is why you acted like a jerk to me, you loved me and that is why you cheated on me. Look I am very glad that you've decided to clean out your closet which ironically is called your soul, but you choose the wrong time, the wrong place and the wrong girl Dylan.

I just want to be honest with you. I love you, I am not expecting anything, and I just want to be sure that you are happy.

You know what Dylan, give me a favor just keep you honesty with you and took the nearest flight to LA.

She stood up and walked to the door.

I wish you all the best Gina.

I know you do. Take care of yourself and give a hug to Nat from me.

Gina closed the door and stood for a minute before she walked to the elevator.

There is no road back

NY airport early in the morning.

Can I help you Mr. MacKay?

Yes, give me one ticket to Montréal.

Dylan felt helpless and dead inside. He decided to visit his father who moved to Montreal last year, to get some advice, to learn how to live and to move on when you ruined all your life by your own hands. Dylan knew that it is his entire fault, he knew that he had no right to demand anything from Gina. She asked what was he expected from her? He wanted to answer that he want her to run away with him, but Dylan knew that he has no right to do it. As Nat said, if you love somebody send her free. It was a mistake to go to NY, he almost ruined Gina's wedding, and he almost broke her heart once again. That is who he is, he always hurt people whom he loves. And now it is time to fix the mistakes and let them go, let them be happy.

NY. Gina's apartment at the same time.

Gina stood in front of the mirror in a beautiful white wedding dress. It seemed that all her childhood dreams came true. She is back in skating sport and she is a successful sportiest, today she is going to marry a handsome mature doctor. Thousands of women would die just to be in her place, so why she does not feel satisfied? Why does she feel that she misses something very important, why all this does not look right thing to do? Why she feels so weak and tired?

Knock, knock, Gina you look beautiful- Donna entered the room. – Need some help?

No I am fine.

It is time to go.

Yes I know I will go out in a minute.

Gina made the last look of herself in a mirror. So this is it. There is no road back.

Epilogue.

Beverly Hills. Peach Pit. A month later.

Hey Nat.

Hey Dylan, glad you are finally back. We've missed you.

Thank you Nat, how were you doing while I was away?

Good. Good. But I've hired a secretary to work in After Dark office. David needed some help; you do know that it is hard to be husband and a business man at the same time.

No I don't, but I hope she is a good worker.

The best ever. You can check it yourself; she is in the office right now, helping Donna to organize a catwalk for a new collection.

Then I guess I will take two cups of coffee with me.

I'll bet you do. And I think you will need this also – Nat took the bottle of wine from the refrigerator and put in on the plat with cups of coffee. – I think that you have something to celebrate. Do you have glasses upstairs?

I guess I do. But what is the occasion, Nat?

Patience my boy, patience – Nat smirked to him.

You know sometimes you scare me – Dylan smirked back to Nat and walked to the After Dark.

Hey Nat, was it Dylan here? – David entered the Peach Pit.

Hey, David. Yes it was him.

Than I catch him for a minute, to discuss all that Catwalk permissions.

No you don't. I'll get you a mega burger for free if you would be a good boy and do not disturb him for the next couple of hours.

So you didn't tell Dylan about…?

Hey, he did not ask!

Oh you old fox!

The After Dark office. At the same time.

Dylan opened the office door and the first thing he saw was gorgeous, hot and sexy females back. He could not see the face, because the lady was standing on her knees and searching for something under the table, but her back looked suspiciously familiar. Dylan put the plate with coffee and wine on the table and turned to close the door.

I am sorry to interrupt your searching miss, but don't we meet before?

Actually we did – answered the voice which belong to a person whom he never expected to see ever again. – Last time we met about a month ago, when you tried to ruin my life as usual.

Dylan turned back to the table.

Gina…..??

Gina stood up from her knees.

And there is another woman whose life is casually ruined by you?

Gina….. –

Dylan made a step forward, put his arms around her and gave her a kiss full of love and passion.

But I thought you got married.

The thought to get married actually crossed my mind a few weeks ago, but you know in the last moment showed up the jerk from my past and remind me that it is never to late to be honest, especially with yourself.

And?

And know I am here to do my best to make his life as much difficult as possible. –

Oh, you are bad girl Gina.

You can't imagine how bad…- she answered and kissed him. – I still hate you by the way.

You are lying.

Prove it.

With pleasure-

Dylan locked the door from inside and came closer to Gina.

-From where should I start? –

Gina raised her eyebrow

I am absolutely clueless about it.

Ok, than I guess it will be an improvisation.

Dylan kissed her and lay her down on the table

I've missed you……

The End.


End file.
